November 17, 2014

Miss to Mrs

When all is quiet and just serenaded by a mix of English pop and Mandopop from the 90s and early millennium from the radio, it occurs to me to wonder how all these came about. These gestures and efforts in preparing for a day, the day they will always refer to as 'once in a lifetime'. Yet, in my mind, I always believe that each day is once in a lifetime. Time, in relation to life, is fair like that.

The ponderings I have are typically future-oriented, except for this once. I am trying to take steps back, tracing back on my memory lane. That is, by no means, an easy task. Since a time that I can't even pinpoint, my memory capacity has chosen to go grayscale and hazy, instead of contrasted and monochrome.

I stood at a bus stop, near or perhaps past midnight, waiting for the bus that I wasn't sure was coming. It was late. I might have missed the last bus for the day. Yet, I waited. I probably gave myself a time limit, beyond which I knew I had to dig the pocket deeper to pay for midnight cab fare. It was then, that I learnt that bit about existentialism, and of course, existential waiting. I don't remember if I went home by bus or cab that night. I think, it is possible too, that my Dad came round to fetch me. He was still driving a cab then.

Some people plan a lot in their life. I am not really one of those. I am more adept at taking the twists and turns in life as they come. Since my late teens, I already formulated a basic stance towards life, 'so what if' instead of 'what if'. Time and again, heartaches and pain, exhilarations and relief later, I also began to appreciate living in the moment, living so that you adapt to constant changes, letting go of plans, taking disappointments in stride. Of course, I am not infallible. But, I just learn to moderate life as I go along.

So, maybe I ought to be planning more and getting just slightly more anxious and excited towards the day that I get to adopt Dardee's surname. Instead, I am anchored in my usual seemingly zen roots. It is not that I am not anticipating it. I will be meeting plenty of friends and relatives and contacts that day, all of whom I requested to be at our special day because they are special to me, affecting my life in the small and big unique ways. I am looking forward to seeing them. I am looking forward to their feeling happy for me. It is probably the one day in one's life that one gets to see so many people who are sincerely happy for oneself. It is a special day, very special, once in a lifetime kind of day. I am curious to see how the day unfolds. Curious. Yes, that might be it. I am curious, rather than excited or anxious.

Life-changing began, not in 5more days, but some 6 years ago. Except neither of us knew for sure this is the direction. We just took a leap of faith, then held on to that courage, and in 5 days, courage alone doesn't suffice anymore. There are many more traits that would be demanded from both of us. A lot more challenges that will call for even more delicate moderation of each other's strengths and weaknesses. A stone-cast commitment to see through.

We have come some way, but that is a short distance in the scheme of the road ahead and the divine plan ahead. Really, I am still not religious. But, at this moment, I just feel I am at the exact spot where I am supposed to be in my own journey across the the galaxy of time. And I, again, choose to live for this moment, to indulge in now. This is how I grew to love myself, such that I can learn to love another, and one another.

I, then, cease to wonder how all these came about. I just know that I have made a decision and it is one of the best decisions I ever made. It is just a promise to love and be loved, and indulge in that rare assurance of what life can bring.

I love you, now and therefore, forever.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 09:47

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